(by Amber Dembowski)
There are 3 lies we consistently tell ourselves. And these lies most definitely get in our way and slow us down. To kick this off, I’m going to take you back to the beginning of my relationship with my husband, Rex.
I don’t think Rex and I could’ve come from more opposite worlds. When we were dating and it got to the point of joining each other at family events, looking back, I’m shocked we didn’t scare each other off.
Picture this …
Rex joins me for a large family gathering at my grandparent’s house. There are large extended tables with beautiful table cloths, professional flower bouquets down the middle of the table, and china set out for more than 30 people. It’s absolutely beautiful.
Later that afternoon, we travel to his family gathering for dinner. There is a small oval table that will seat 6 people if everyone crams in, and two people hold their plate in their hands under their chin as they eat -- yet there are about 15 people who have arrived to eat. People land where they can around the house holding their paper plates -- on the floor, on the couch, standing. And when you need a napkin, you ask for the community towel to be passed. It’s a small towel that everyone shares to wipe their fingers clean. It’s absolutely beautiful.
Can you imagine? We were both out of our element in both of these situations.
Rex and I, to this day, laugh about the shock we felt as we walked into these strange-to-us scenarios. He had to have thought that my family was boring and stuffy, and I was definitely confused the first time I saw the towel launched across the room from person to person. Both ways of living were completely foreign to us, and in a sense, uncomfortable to us as well. Yet, we didn’t let it scare us enough to lose sight of what’s important. Obviously. Because we’re still together today. Happily together. Twenty five plus years happily together.
Rex could’ve easily said, hell no, I don’t know how to live that kind of life. And I could’ve easily told myself, “are you kidding me? What kind of life is this?” We could’ve started envisioning a future together that wasn’t a life we were familiar with, and then become fearful of not liking that life, of not fitting in, of not being happy living that way -- and then letting go of that vision of our future together. But we didn’t. Thank gawd! Instead, we both became intrigued and open to the idea of living more fanciful, or its opposite, more casual. We embraced the unknown of how our upbringings will translate into the context of our lives together.
Now, this is just one kind-of silly example of how things may be scary, and how we can’t allow it to get in the way of our progress, or in the way of what’s important. And it leads me into the first lie we tell ourselves.
The unknown is scary.
Lies! Such lies!
We must learn how to be comfortable with the unknown, my friend!
In Jen Sincero’s book she says we need to flip our fear. She wrote:
“When you find yourself letting fear push you around, look at it from a different perspective. Start by breaking it down, finding what it is that you’re really afraid of and then flipping it around to make it work for you, not against you. Show it who’s boss. Feed your fear a suck-it sandwich.”
As school leaders, we often have to make tough decisions. As long as we lead with compassion, logic, and self-assurance, it will all turn out okay.
Okay, Are you ready to hear the second lie we tell ourselves?
Yeah you are.
Well, here it is, and I know you can relate … lie number 2 …
I’m not ready.
Sound familiar? I’m not ready to give meaningful feedback about this new curriculum, I’m not ready to advocate for more special education FTE, I’m not ready to work with a coach, I’m not ready to focus on my own needs … I’m not ready.
Here’s the deal … You have to start before you’re ready, my friend! We’re never fully ready until we dive in and choose to be a beginner.
Choose to start before you’re ready. Because the day you feel ready will never come.
I can guarantee at one point you’ve told yourself, “yeah, I’ll try that someday in the future. I’m not ready for that now.” … but then that “someday” never came. Thinking you need to wait until you’re ready is a lie. Stop believing it and figure out what steps you need to take to start now, as a beginner, ready to learn and grow and be vulnerable in the process.
And the last lie we tell ourselves … Lie number 3 … there’s just not enough time.
Let me tell you this … time is an illusion. When we are forced to do something … suddenly the time is there. We limit ourselves when we tell ourselves there isn’t enough time.
And when we feel like we have to cram something in with the mindset that “ugh! There’s so much to do with so little time.” Then, yes, we will be miserable with the task at hand. Instead, do what you can do in joy. Stop talking about how busy you are and focus on what you enjoy about what you do. When you focus on how busy you are, you feel weighed down. When you find joy in what you are accomplishing, you feel energized and proud of yourself.
Decide to live an interesting life full of interesting projects that you love doing. And feel good about it! Going from task to task with a feeling that there is a lack of time is overwhelming and sucks your energy right out of ya. So stop telling yourself the lie that there isn’t enough time. If it’s important to you, there’s always time.
All in all, stop your thoughts when you realize you’re lying to yourself. The unknown is scary, I’m not ready, and there’s not enough time -- are the 3 most common lies that just, plain and simple, get in our way. Flip your thoughts and get comfortable with the unknown, tell yourself I’m ready to be a beginner, and remind yourself that if it’s important there’s always time.
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