(by Amber Dembowski)
Around the holidays it’s common for us all to think about family -- To be thankful for the family who’ve supported you the most, who have shared countless memories with you, who have watched you grow up. And it’s also a time to think about family who aren’t able to join you, maybe by choice, or timing, or sadly maybe by loss.
As educators, we’re also human. We bring the weight of those we love into our schools and classrooms, carrying it into each interaction and experience. We’re deeply connected with everyone around us, which is why this message is so important for each of you. This is something everyone needs to hear.
The holidays are always a time to think about our loved ones. Regardless of the circumstances or context.
My family that gathers is getting smaller and smaller, unfortunately. And it’s not because of death. I’m thankful to not have experienced too much death in my family. My family has dwindled because of unhappiness.
I don’t talk about this too much, or even at all. I talked myself out of sharing this blog post several times because I was so nervous about sharing these things so personal to me. But I’ve had so many others reach out to me to talk about how to deal with the unhappiness of those around them. Sometimes in the context of family, but also in the context of friends and co-workers. And even though my personal example may be an extreme example, that you maybe, and thankfully haven’t had to experience, the strategies I suggest towards the end of the blog will help anyone who is dealing with someone else in their life who is unhappy.
So just to give you some background….
I grew up in a family of five. At one point in my life I felt like it was a family of one. And we currently function as a family of three. Now, I’m talking about the family I was born into.
In the 1980’s we were your typical American family, and life was good. Or at least I thought it was. Behind closed doors my parents were not a good match, but I honestly had no idea. They were masters at keeping this hidden from me and my two brothers. They never argued in front of us. I was a major daddy’s girl, and saw no wrong in him, and I guess that could’ve been what blinded me at the time. To this day I’m thankful for that blindspot, if that’s what it was.
My mom always did all of the cooking - everything from scratch. My dad always did all of the cleaning up from the meal. He loved doing dishes. I had a giant dollhouse that my dad built, and my brothers agreed to play with me and my dollhouse if I’d play GI Joe with them next.
We lived outside of a town of 300 people and I would often ride my bike five miles into town to visit the park or the local hardware store. My mom had her own gift shop down main street and was known for her baking and amazing crafts.
Every single Sunday all of my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents would go to church together and then spend the rest of the day at grandma and grandpa’s house. We’d all eat a huge lunch together, and then for Sunday dinner our options were popcorn or ice cream or both. Life was simple, and life was good.
Things began to slowly change. I started finding notes and cards from women written out to my dad. I found one in the glovebox of his truck when he ran into the grocery store while I waited outside. I found one hidden in some tupperware in the cupboard high above the sink. I ripped up the cards and would put them back where I found them so he’d know they were no longer a secret. I remember being confused by the person I thought my dad was and who I was slowly beginning to learn about. I told absolutely no one about it.
About a year later I was with a friend who wanted to go to the snack shack in town for ice cream. I needed money, so I ran home to ask my dad for some cash, and I found another woman with him. I was completely dumbfounded. It wasn’t until that evening sitting around the dinner table that I knew what type of person my dad really was. I was still in shock and had a hard time looking him in the eye as we all sat there pretending to be a normal happy family, eating our dinner together. My dad began to laugh and tell the story about how I came home and scared him, because he was naked clipping his toenails in his bedroom when I came barging in. It was at this moment, when he chose to drag me into his lie, that our relationship forever changed. I still loved him. I still desperately wanted to be his daddy’s girl. But I knew life wasn’t as innocent as I was raised to believe.
A few years following, when I was 13, my dad ended up leaving. My brothers were both away at college, so it was just my mom and me. And one day, without even saying goodbye, my dad had packed up all of his things and had left. I realized it when I was looking for him to take me to the Valentine dance at school and his closet was empty.
Following this, my mom entered a very deep depression. She didn’t have support from her friends or her family, and this moment forever changed our extended family and friends as well. Her parents and several of her friends didn’t believe in divorce. Honestly, my mom didn’t either, or she probably wouldn’t have put up with my dad for as long as she did -- but this wasn’t a divorce she demanded. He left. At this point it was out of her control. Evenso, she didn’t have the emotional support she needed -- even from me -- and she became extremely depressed. Not noticing too much of what I did with my life. She tried, she really tried, but life was too hard for her to handle at this point -- especially with a teenage daughter. I’m sure it took all the energy she had to just get up and go to work, with very little life left in her to do much else.
It felt like a family of 1. My brothers were pretty clueless about the circumstances because they were both away for college, rarely visiting home. My dad had left. And my mom wasn’t emotionally present. At this point I relied heavily on friends and their families. And I still contribute my positive decisions during this time in my life on the strong foundation that was established the first 10 years of my childhood -- with my family of five.
Now don’t get me wrong, I still love my dad, and I still see him from time to time, but he is not a consistent person in my life. He barely knows his two granddaughters, which is heartbreaking. I’ve invited him back into our lives and he has turned down the offer.
So now, let’s fast forward a few years. My brothers and I are all adults with careers now. My mom remarried, and our family grew back into a family of four +1, with everyone gathering for the holidays, birthdays, and vacations. Life was good.
When it happened again.
My brother – who used to fly back when away on a business trip, just to babysit his nieces. And the same brother who would stop by with gifts on any given day. Who would coordinate our family gatherings. Who worked on an international level, but always made time for us. That brother.
Well, that brother, a few years ago, stopped all communication with any family. No explanation. No further communication, except to finally respond to my cousin and say “he is happy now" and to not expect any further communication from him. No further communication, except to say he was going to sell the house we were paying for, through him. We were going to be out of a house and home if we didn’t act quickly. No further communication, except to purchase the house from him and get swindled out of an additional couple hundred thousand, in the process.
Should I be angry? Yes, probably. But you know what -- my two daughters, my husband, and I -- even after all of the grief he caused -- still love him and welcome him back into our lives whenever he’s ready. Just like my dad.
It’s kind of unbelievable to think that two family members in a family of five have decided to start a new life without those who are blood. When I spend a lot of time thinking about it I begin to cry and mourn their loss. Still. And I wonder what it was that caused such a dramatic decision. I’ve questioned every comment and decision I’ve made that may have contributed to their choice of leaving.
My dad and I were extremely close. My brother and I were even closer. How is it that it was so easy for them to just abandon that relationship?
Well, I had to leave all of that guilt behind and realize it truly was about their unhappiness. Unhappiness that they didn’t outwardly wear, but that was tearing them apart on the inside. Knowing this breaks my heart too. What could I’ve done to help?
The problem is, when I focus only on this … this mindset contributes to my unhappiness too.
So then the question becomes, how can we best manage the unhappiness of those we love?
Your story may be similar to mine, or it may be completely different. But I do think that many of us have people in our lives that are unhappy. They may show it in different ways, but when we love someone who is unhappy, we need to be aware of how our happiness is sometimes linked to the happiness of others. Which can be good, or it can be not so good.
When it’s not so good there are things you can do and that I’ve learned throughout my experiences:
First, maintain appropriate boundaries. Remind yourself constantly that your loved one's unhappiness is not your own. You may become unhappy in response to their unhappiness, but your unhappiness then becomes your responsibility. You’ll be tempted to resolve your unhappiness by trying to fix their unhappiness, but that will only lead to frustration and resentment. Treat the two as separate things that require separate solutions.
Second, allow your loved one space to be unhappy. I’m ready to welcome my brother back into my life whenever he’s ready. And I know that my dad is too proud to ever come back at this point in his life. He has built a new life for himself and I’ve accepted that. However, if he ever did, he would be accepted with open arms. But at this point, they are the ones in control of this next step. I’ve tried to reach out to both, and have been disappointed. So now it’s on them. They just need their space.
Which leads me to my next suggestion, and that’s to fiercely defend your own happiness. Misery may think it loves company, but in the long term it doesn't. It's more than just all right to remain happy while someone you love is miserable: it's actually imperative. I realized that whenever I poured my heart and soul into begging for my dad or my brother to return back into our lives I became so upset that I decided it wasn’t worth my unhappiness to accomplish it.
And finally, to make it work, you may need to detach with love. Sometimes you have to love them from a distance. This can be an intensely difficult decision, but sometimes it's the right one. Give yourself permission to detach with love. It’s about maintaining a safe emotional distance and still caring about them. It’s about making a decision to not suffer because they are suffering.
Tom Robbins was quoted to say “The unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwelling on himself and start paying attention to the universe. Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence.”
And I have to agree. My dad and my brother made a selfish decision. They may not have been happy with something in their life with family, but instead of working through it, instead of trying to balance family with their other needs for happiness, they selfishly just left it all behind. And I can’t blame myself for that.
If you have unhappy people in your life, I hope you take the time to assess your own happiness as well. Are you maintaining a healthy state of mind despite them? Or are they bringing you down and contributing to a negative energy?
I’m a private person, and truly, not many hear this part of my life story. During this time of year I have to work a lot harder to keep a healthy mindset, and I know I’m not the only one, which is why I chose to share it.
If someone else in your life is unhappy, let them be unhappy. Let it go. Don’t carry that around with you. I wrote about this in the context of family, but this could apply to lifelong friends or co-workers. Don’t let their unhappiness bring you down.
And hopefully my dad and brother, and anyone in your life who is unhappy, will eventually learn that happiness isn’t something that is found, it is something that is created.
This post is an excerpt from a podcast within the app TeacherWell. An app for teachers, full of heart soul, and strategies to live a resilient and joyful life – despite the hardships that educators endure each day.
You’ve got this. I’ve got this. Let’s do this.
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